Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them. Steven Two's Resolution

 A little follow-up on the Boys are Stupid saga.  After all the graduation parties were complete, Steven two was still being silent which was driving my daughter mad.  We had already purchased a custom (ie I couldn't take it back) graduation/18th birthday gift. So on the evening of his birthday, she took it to his home. Little did she know, I had attached the following "Words of Wisdom" to the gift (the version below has been edited). Between what she told him and my bit of advice, that poor child felt like a huge steamy pile of manure. He promised he would never treat someone so callously again and admitted that he acted immaturely.  Two days later, on my girl's 18th, he showed up with the prettiest sapphire and diamond pendant and a self-baked chocolate cake. That boy has great taste in jewelry and some lucky person will benefit greatly in his future. The girl, however, was giddy over the cake. You see the hoarding upbringing did not involve home baked birthday cakes so I've not done that for my children. She put a note on the cake warning all who covet it of a painful death if they dare touch it. At this point they are talking and hanging out very briefly with the help of the wing man and his lovely girlfriend as buffers. It is better. My girl is happy to have her friend again.

"Dear Steven,

I just want to let you know you are not the stereotype you portray.  The first time you came to our home, you introduced yourself as an “ass” which I found endearing. I understand the need to preface an introduction with a disclaimer. I do the same thing. You are, however, neither an ass nor are you the narcissistic, cocky, dumb, horny jock that people believe you are. You do not have to be that person. You do not have to fulfill others expectations of what they believe you are.  I did not see those negative qualities in you at all; only that you think you should be that way.

What do I see in you? I see a shy handsome young man who is figuring out his future, the same as most 18 year olds. I see someone who is smart, funny, quick witted, quiet and calm. You are a very hard working and dedicated tri athlete. If you continue to apply this level of dedication in other aspects of your life, it will serve you very well.  Paradoxically, you also quit when you think the goal is unacheivable; it is easier to callously give up than try and fail.  She lit up when she was with you. You surrendered.  That giving up to avoid failure will not serve you. I see that the conflict you have within yourself as to who people expect you to be, who you really are, and what you want to achieve, is causing a bit of depression.  You know that moody pms-ing bitch thing you do; delightful one minute and cut off silent the next; making your friends walk on eggshells because they don’t want to upset you and send you into that sullen place?  It does not serve you.  I see that you are trying to figure out girls and want a girlfriend, but aren’t sure what the right approach is to fulfill that goal. I do not think you are a slut, whore or user. How could you be when you were too shy to even attempt to kiss my awesome daughter?

I will tell you that if you continue to try to be that idiot others expect of you, you won’t find a good mature relationship.  You will pass by smart, intelligent wonderful people who can fulfill so much more than your hormone filled boyhood lust to get laid.  You will end up with shallow girls who mean nothing to you emotionally and will still leave you feeling empty and alone as soon as the orgasm is over.  Once again, this goes back to feeling as though you need to be what others think you are. 

I will also let you know that ignoring her because you were no longer interested in dating her or hanging out with her or knowing she wasn’t going to have sex with you was lame. She actually likes you for you. She thought highly of your friendship with or without any physical contact.  Turning cold without reason is very confusing and hurtful.  This my friend, is why I have told her since she was three to consider very carefully before having sex; boys who leave because they didn’t get laid, will leave anyway once they do. That is one stereotype you need to purge.  Reach down deep, become a big boy and just tell the next girl you lose interest in face to face. Have some testicular fortitude and do the uncomfortable and right thing by having a mature conversation.  Plain and simple.

In a few short weeks, you will have a fantastic opportunity to throw off the preconceived stereotype that people have of you and become whoever you want to be. No longer should you feel obligated to be the narcissistic, cocky, dumb, horny jock. Get rid of that idiot; put forth those other wonderful traits that are you and become the exceptional adult you are capable of being. 

I wish you only the best and look forward to the smart, funny, quick witted, charming adult Steven who becomes who he wants to be and not what others expect of him.  Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy your 18^th Birthday.

With love and fondness,"

Thoughts on my letter to him? This could be a whole other blog post. I vacillate between thinking this was a good thing to do and being too much in my daughter's business. In the end, of course, he received the letter. Most adults don't have candid conversations with their children or treat their children's peers as mature thinking human beings.  I think someone had to spell this out to Steven. He really is a wonderful person and now I think he will be even more wonderful if he keeps my Sage Advice According to Whit!