COH; sharing an article with you

http://www.examiner.com/article/the-affects-on-children-who-live-with-hoarders

Some words for Christians on both sides of the Chick-fil-A war

Some words for Christians on both sides of the Chick-fil-A war

Johnston Blog #1: Packing for London

Johnston Blog #1: Packing for London

Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them. Steven Two's Resolution

 A little follow-up on the Boys are Stupid saga.  After all the graduation parties were complete, Steven two was still being silent which was driving my daughter mad.  We had already purchased a custom (ie I couldn't take it back) graduation/18th birthday gift. So on the evening of his birthday, she took it to his home. Little did she know, I had attached the following "Words of Wisdom" to the gift (the version below has been edited). Between what she told him and my bit of advice, that poor child felt like a huge steamy pile of manure. He promised he would never treat someone so callously again and admitted that he acted immaturely.  Two days later, on my girl's 18th, he showed up with the prettiest sapphire and diamond pendant and a self-baked chocolate cake. That boy has great taste in jewelry and some lucky person will benefit greatly in his future. The girl, however, was giddy over the cake. You see the hoarding upbringing did not involve home baked birthday cakes so I've not done that for my children. She put a note on the cake warning all who covet it of a painful death if they dare touch it. At this point they are talking and hanging out very briefly with the help of the wing man and his lovely girlfriend as buffers. It is better. My girl is happy to have her friend again.

"Dear Steven,

I just want to let you know you are not the stereotype you portray.  The first time you came to our home, you introduced yourself as an “ass” which I found endearing. I understand the need to preface an introduction with a disclaimer. I do the same thing. You are, however, neither an ass nor are you the narcissistic, cocky, dumb, horny jock that people believe you are. You do not have to be that person. You do not have to fulfill others expectations of what they believe you are.  I did not see those negative qualities in you at all; only that you think you should be that way.

What do I see in you? I see a shy handsome young man who is figuring out his future, the same as most 18 year olds. I see someone who is smart, funny, quick witted, quiet and calm. You are a very hard working and dedicated tri athlete. If you continue to apply this level of dedication in other aspects of your life, it will serve you very well.  Paradoxically, you also quit when you think the goal is unacheivable; it is easier to callously give up than try and fail.  She lit up when she was with you. You surrendered.  That giving up to avoid failure will not serve you. I see that the conflict you have within yourself as to who people expect you to be, who you really are, and what you want to achieve, is causing a bit of depression.  You know that moody pms-ing bitch thing you do; delightful one minute and cut off silent the next; making your friends walk on eggshells because they don’t want to upset you and send you into that sullen place?  It does not serve you.  I see that you are trying to figure out girls and want a girlfriend, but aren’t sure what the right approach is to fulfill that goal. I do not think you are a slut, whore or user. How could you be when you were too shy to even attempt to kiss my awesome daughter?

I will tell you that if you continue to try to be that idiot others expect of you, you won’t find a good mature relationship.  You will pass by smart, intelligent wonderful people who can fulfill so much more than your hormone filled boyhood lust to get laid.  You will end up with shallow girls who mean nothing to you emotionally and will still leave you feeling empty and alone as soon as the orgasm is over.  Once again, this goes back to feeling as though you need to be what others think you are. 

I will also let you know that ignoring her because you were no longer interested in dating her or hanging out with her or knowing she wasn’t going to have sex with you was lame. She actually likes you for you. She thought highly of your friendship with or without any physical contact.  Turning cold without reason is very confusing and hurtful.  This my friend, is why I have told her since she was three to consider very carefully before having sex; boys who leave because they didn’t get laid, will leave anyway once they do. That is one stereotype you need to purge.  Reach down deep, become a big boy and just tell the next girl you lose interest in face to face. Have some testicular fortitude and do the uncomfortable and right thing by having a mature conversation.  Plain and simple.

In a few short weeks, you will have a fantastic opportunity to throw off the preconceived stereotype that people have of you and become whoever you want to be. No longer should you feel obligated to be the narcissistic, cocky, dumb, horny jock. Get rid of that idiot; put forth those other wonderful traits that are you and become the exceptional adult you are capable of being. 

I wish you only the best and look forward to the smart, funny, quick witted, charming adult Steven who becomes who he wants to be and not what others expect of him.  Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy your 18^th Birthday.

With love and fondness,"

Thoughts on my letter to him? This could be a whole other blog post. I vacillate between thinking this was a good thing to do and being too much in my daughter's business. In the end, of course, he received the letter. Most adults don't have candid conversations with their children or treat their children's peers as mature thinking human beings.  I think someone had to spell this out to Steven. He really is a wonderful person and now I think he will be even more wonderful if he keeps my Sage Advice According to Whit!

The Hoarding Mother; graduation party

So my daughter had her high school graduation party this past weekend. My mother, who has the Hoffman Hoard in the Mitten and is working on another in the great state of Virginia, emailed to say she was going to "try" to make the party. She would be driving from Virginia which is about 5.5 hours via car from my home. She also needed to know of some nearby, inexpensive hotels where she could stay. I've long ago given up trying to appease her need to be begged with to "stay" or participate in any family gathering, thus I provided her with several options. One was a Motel 8; her reply, "I've heard those are nasty filthy".  Yes, the hoarder has standards that apply to everyone except her. Another reason for her to not stay in my 3,300 sq ft home, and she didn't say a word to me, but spread it to others, my in-laws were already staying here. She doesn't like them, go figure.  She also ran her little Nellie Negative tongue about having to see my college room mate and her family. She just can't give up a comment made by an 18 year old kid 30 years ago about my  sisters' (ages 12 and 13) behavior. OMG, get over it already.

The evening before the party, she calls from the road. She is "somewhere" in North Carolina. Incapable of telling me how long she has been in the state, what road she is on or what town she is near. She has driven here before, there are only three roads needed to navigate. She has a GPS, but no one will show her how to use it, so she is going to use her OnStar; but she doesn't like those bitches because they won't stay online and talk to her for the entire journey. I ask her if she is going to stop by the house. She can't because she is sweaty, stinks and needs a shower, but I can call her at the hotel which is about 6 miles from my house. I tell her that I'll just see her the next morning.

Next morning, she calls sounding terribly pitiful and on the verge of death. She doesn't know what she ate, but has a case of diarrhea and has been puking since arriving at the hotel. I tell her she can go back to bed and get some rest or come to the house and rest here. She has to think about it. Four hours later she drives up in her Chevy HHR; that car is a whole other topic. She waddles out, acting all cripple, feeble and helpless.  She wrinkled her nose at the food being served; sub sandwiches, baked mac n cheese and a nice selection of vegetarian Indian food. She tried a bit of a samosa giving it "stink face" the whole time. After about one hour, her HHR pulls out of the driveway. Not one word to me, just leaves.  I guess she did say good-bye to my daughter, telling her that she was going to be sick. A whole hour; we made bets before she arrived at how long it would take her to throw a snit and storm out. Thankfully there was no scene this time.

The next morning I called to see if she was going to stop by.  Ha, she was already on the road half-way back to Virginia. So much for a wasted trip.

Does your hoarder have some of these issues?

• Negative attitude toward everyone
• Cannot give up or forgive transgression from decades ago
• Pretends to be helpless
• Has tantrums and storms away
• Leaves without saying goodbye
• Will not try new things

David Boudia, Nick McCrory stay in sync in synchronized diving - SI.com - Olympics

David Boudia, Nick McCrory stay in sync in synchronized diving - SI.com - Olympics


Watching these two dive in person is a phenomenal treat.

Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them.

    

Boys are stupid and quite possibly deserve rocks thrown at them. Were boys this stupid 30 years ago? Probably. Oh who's kidding who, of course they were. 

I feel so deeply for my child having to navigate the world of dating. My beautiful, intelligent, artful, sensitive, witty child had the fortune or misfortune of two prom dates this year. Two very different young men and two different schools. 

The first boy, Dave calls him Steven, asked her via a German word puzzle given to her in class. I think the teacher was in on the plan. Clever batman. He is a classmate. Was an acquaintance, really. She had already planned to go to prom date-free with a gang. After all, no need to waste time waiting for a boy to get up the nerve to ask. The dress was already purchased. It was not a romantic endeavor.  He is really very smart. Was part of a group that designed and competed with robots that play basket ball. Going into robotics engineering for college. He is one of those classic "geeky" boys. He has lovely blue eyes hidden behind glasses and truly a "purdy mouth." The kinky curly hair is not so great, but if he keeps it short, it looks alright.

The second boy, Dave calls him Steven, goes to a different high school but they went to elementary together and I hear my girl used to beat him up on the playground.  He asked her by spelling p-r-o-m in his french fries while his wing-man distracted her with a game of pool at a sports bar.  Was with a group of boys watching the March Madness basket ball finals. Her father and I had been telling her for a month or more that Steven was going to ask her to prom. She didn't believe us, insisting that he just came over to watch TV with her when he was bored. At that time, Steven Two knew about Steven One, but not the reverse. In her mind, this was not a romantic endeavor either due to her discussions with Steven Two. Steven Two is a classic jock. He swims year round, competes in triathlons, works out hours every day. He wants to be a Navy Seal. He is smart; not typical of a jock. He is also a temperamental, moody little PMS-er at times. He is a self proclaimed "ass" which was rather endearing to me. As my girl describes him, ""Your ego is so big that there's no room for your self esteem". So yeah, big ego and no self esteem. Actually kinda cute with the big old studly jock persona and this shy "I'm fat" thought pattern underneath. Did I mention he is hot? Or as we said thirty years ago, a fox.

I somehow managed to raise my daughter with a bit of a conscience and empathy. She didn't want to "date" both of them at the same time. The pressure these days to click the "relationship" box on FB is huge. I explained that she did not have to choose.  However, somewhere along the line Steven Two asked her to be exclusive; even though he knew that prom with Steven One had yet to happen. She told him, in consideration of Steven One, she couldn't be exclusive until after his prom. Of course, Steven One asked her to be exclusive too. By this point, she liked Steven One because of their commonalities, but had come to the conclusion that there was no romantic interest, so she declined. She had also decided that there really was some chemistry with Stephen Two.

Forward a month.  Steven One is like the "tide" according to Dave. Will always be there, taking his time, slowly wearing away at the shore along with the phases of the moon. Wearing her down and not giving up. He's getting better looking to me as time goes on. Spent some time with the two of them together last week. I have to say, I'm not fond of their conversations. All the racist bigotry sexual crap that passes as humor between them, kinda made me sad. I thought I had instilled better ... better into her. So a little less impressed with him, as I don't see them enhancing each others best qualities, but inflaming their worst. Just not respectful (we hate that word in our house because of its misuse as in this case) with each other.

Steven Two has been MIA except for one night that she went out with his mom and some friends to bowl. MIA. Thought it was because of his triathlon participation/training and her full AP exam schedule. Turns out, the studly virginal jock who is too shy or macho to even KISS the girl has moved on because of course, he wanted a little more action than he was going to get. Dumb Ass thinks he's going to get a blow job or sex when he can't even initiate a kiss?  C'est la vie, been preparing her since she was three for that kind of pig.  

What really lights my fire, is how navigating the world of stupid boys affects my girl. She is sad about the whole situation and especially Steven Two's lack of gonads to even talk to her. The inability of boys these days to have a conversation face to face with a girl regarding their "relationship" status is incredible. Why don't boys have any ability at all to be honest and forthright? I know my daughter is because I gave her that example; good and bad depending on your perspective. 

What crushes her is the loss of a friend. Intellectually, she gets the horny hormones of stupid boys and is glad she doesn't have sex with them.  Sex or not, dumb boys with that mindset are going to be short lived anyway. What her heart can't grasp is why the friendship meant nothing and thus why she means nothing. It is the feeling of nothingness that drags her down. She wasn't born to be treated like that and I can only sit by watching her painfully try to navigate the stupidity of boys. 

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

(So this is really my first attempt. Was more a rant, as I expect most of my blogs to be. Also too long and wordy, I suspect. Will try to get better with that. Comment to help me improve.)